The Quora Chronicles – Part 8
Many times, when questions like this one appear in my “Asked to Answer” notifications on Quora I find myself wondering about the person who asked the question and why they asked it. Is this person simply shy, anti-social, or a Millennial or Gen Z who communicates mostly through social media? Are they looking for an answer that they can use to defend themselves against the criticism of a parent or a Baby Boomer boss who thinks that they need more “face time” (the in-person sort, not the Apple kind). Since questioners often post their queries anonymously, details are few and far between. However, I still often contemplate the backstory surrounding this particular type of question.
The actual question was:
“What are we looking for from someone when having conversation? Is it to listen to their voice, gain knowledge from them or for something else?“
In the spirit of full disclosure, I was born right on the bubble and could be considered either a very young Baby Boomer or a very old member of Generation X, although I tend to identify more with Gen X than with the Boomers. I am also a bit of an introvert and for many years struggled with the art of “small talk” until I learned the trick of getting people to talk about themselves by strategically asking numerous follow-up questions. When I worked in the corporate world, I favored written memos and later e-mail, not only because I found it more efficient than face-to-face meetings, but also because it often protected me from unscrupulous upper-level managers who would conveniently “forget” what had been agreed upon in a face-to-face meeting or who claimed that I had said something that I had not.
While I do think that it is incredibly sad to see a group of young people setting together in a restaurant, tapping away at their phones instead of engaging with each other verbally, I don’t suscribe to the lament of Boomers that the art of conversation being “lost.” As a young person, I wrote letters to friends penpals in longhand and sent them out through “snail mail.” Later, those communications evolved into email and now text messages, or video chats. The format may have changed but the connection really hasn’t.
What struck me as strange about this particular question, however, was that the questioner wrote, “What are we looking for…”, as if they didn’t know the answer for themselves on a deeply personal level. That is far more troubling to me than whether people are talking or texting to communicate. It is as if people are asking, “What should I think? Can someone else tell me what I want and why I want it?’
Some of the answers were just as troubling. One person wrote:
“I like to talk about myself and am mostly looking for some form of attention.“
Another said:
“Knowledge. It is what we all seek even if we are unaware of it. We speak to people only to get information.”
My own answere was a bit more detailed. I wrote:
“I think it can be many different things. For me, I like having the opportunity to listen to another person’s ideas and knowledge and to know that they are willing to listen to mine. If I’m upset, sad, or lonely, then hearing their voice can calm me and make me feel more connected. If they are upset, sad, or lonely, using my voice to calm them helps me to feel useful. At other times, I’m looking for someone with whom to share good news or a good joke. Even when it is someone that I don’t necessarily agree with, if the conversation remains respectful, I enjoy the intellectual challenge of trying to defend my position and trying to comprehend theirs. Meaningful conversation can provide us with all sorts of benefits, but mostly I think it is a way to feel a little less alone.
I’m not claiming that my answer was perfect, however, of the six answers that this question received, none of the others mentioned how conversation can benefit both ourselves and our conversation partners. From my perspective, this is the bigger problem. It isn’t that people are texting too much or avoiding face-to-face interaction. It is more that we’ve stopped caring about each other and about the world at large. If we’ve lost the concept of “loving our neighbor as ourselves” then the method of communication makes absolutely no difference at all.
quietlyradical 