Once, during a job interview, I was asked to state how I thought that others would describe me. One particular phrase came to mind, “Well, she seems nice enough, but she’s so quiet!” Now, I suppose if that is the absolute worst thing people can find to say about me, I shouldn’t feel too discouraged. However, the emphasis on the word quiet, suggesting something undesirable, or worse yet, abnormal, has always bothered me a little. Some years ago, as a member of a corporate-sponsored Toastmasters International club, I prepared a speech on the subject of personality differences in the workplace and in researching that topic I even discovered that some researchers consider shyness as a phenomenon requiring treatment. Treatment! I was shocked! I’ve always been described as “quiet” or “shy” (although I’m still not convinced that those terms are necessarily synonymous), but never have I considered this personality characteristic to be an illness.
Now, perhaps in some extreme cases quietness could be considered a handicap. If one is fearful about expressing herself or is unable to hold a job due to an inability to communicate effectively, there there is definitely a problem. But, for the most part, I think quietness is merely one of many normal personality characteristics, and the real problem lies in a lack of understanding and the insecurities of others.
Many everyday problems in human relationships are brought about by personality differences. The late Andy Rooney once did a piece on CBS’ Sixty Minutes on Type A vs. Type B personalities. (I seem to recall Rooney stating that one of the biggest differences was that Type Bs squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube while Type As start at the end and roll it neatly upward.) No one, however, seems to have a definitive answer to the question, “What is personality?” It would seem safe to assume that some traits are inborn while others appear to be influenced by a variety of factors such as family background, culture, education, race, and sex. There even appears to be evidence that our personalities may be changed to a certain extent by experiences, age, disease, or the abuse of drugs or alcohol. We tend to use the various personality traits as labels for one another. People can be calm or excitable, cheerful or negative, easy-going or quick-tempered, talkative or quiet.
So why does quietness seem to make other people so uncomfortable? First, I think it is a result of a lack of understanding. A person who enjoys talking may be puzzled by one who prefers listening. When we genuinely enjoy an activity ourselves, it is often difficult to remember that not everyone derives the same pleasure from it. Second, I think quiet people are often viewed as mere observers and not actual participants in life. Many people seem to be afraid that a person given to silence is forever, observing, listening, or evaluating. This may stir up their own insecurities. “I wonder what she’s thinking.” “Why doesn’t she say something?” The fear of being judged critically, if only in another person’s thoughts, may contribute to the apparent uneasiness some individuals appear to feel when confronted with a person who has little to say. Finally, I think there is often the incorrect assumption that the quiet person is either unhappy, unfriendly, or both. This is probably not the case is most instances. I have never hear that happiness is measured in words-per-minute. In fact, I’ve often had my suspicions about those who talk constantly about how great life is. If things are really so wonderful, why must they keep reminding themselves out loud? Even if you don’t believe that silence is golden, it certainly isn’t fatal.
quietlyradical 