quietlyradical

“Arrgh! (Hammering, banging noises). DAMN IT!”

These were the sounds I heard from my then boyfriend (now husband) as he was trying to fix a kitchen cabinet in my house as I prepared to put my home on the market due to a job promotion and upcoming move. My yellow labrador retriever, Charlie, kept running up the stairs to my office with a concerned look on his furry little face. However, I simply continued working in my “Keep Calm and Carry On” signature style. It was, after all, just a kitchen cabinet, in a house that would soon no longer be mine. Why should I (or anyone else, for that matter) get so bent out of shape over such trivialities? However, at this point, I had learned that this was simply how my significant other dealt with the frustrations of life – lots of banging and slamming things around, accompanied by copious amounts of cursing, and that the most effective strategy I had found was to simply ignore it. With a calm and soothing belly rub and a few dog treats which I kept stashed in my desk, I was able to convince Charlie, my long-time canine companion, that this was probably the most effective strategy for him to adopt as well.

However, now, more than 20 years since that comical scene of the family pet running interference, I find myself with more time to ponder what is the cause of my husband’s extreme impatience and difficulties with anger management. As a relatively calm and patient person, I must confess that it is, at times, difficult to avoid absorbing the stress created by my partner’s anxiety surrounding the minor inconveniences of everyday life.

So, what causes chronic impatience and anger? What I ‘ve come to realize about my husband over the years is that he places a very high premium on being in control and that waiting and delays apparently feel like losing control. Now, I like to be in charge of my own destiny as much as the next person, however, I also realize that there are some things over which we have no control. The difference between us, however, is that I recognize that there are some things that simply do not matter in the big scheme of things and that it isn’t necessary to control every small detail in order to maintain our personal autonomy. Waiting in a long line or being stuck in traffic can actually be an opportunity to go over my mental to do list, consider where I might like to go on my next vacation, or simply pull out an e-book and catch up on some reading. If the wait for service in a restaurant or a retail establishment is intolerably long, I can also simply leave. Nothing is keeping me there against my will and being angry and impatient won’t make the service occur any faster.

I also think that my husband is one of those individuals who operates in constant problem-solving mode. If solutions aren’t easily achievable, he reacts more quickly to frustration, and the small inconveniences become symbolic of larger frustrations in his life.

I also recall meeting his parents for the first time. While they were lovely and welcoming to me, I also noticed a certain level of impatience in them as well, so I suspect that my husband’s extreme impatience may also be learned behavior, something ingrained in him from childhood.

Finally, I have also read that in some individuals, brain chemistry and stress hormones can make emotional regulation more difficult. The lower frustration tolerance may actually have a biological cause.

One thing for which I am thankful is that my naturally calm nature offers a sense of balance. I’ve learned that quiet detachment can be enormously powerful and that remaining calm can de-escalate my partner’s frustrations. Additionally, timing matters. It does no good to try to address his frustration in the heat of the moment. Waiting until after the temper tantrum has passed and then looking at ways to address the problem is much more effective than trying to confront him during the eye of the storm. Finally, humor can be remarkably effective in diffusing frustration and anger. (My husband has a beach towel with a picture of Grumpy, one of the Seven Dwarves on it. “Does someone need his Grumpy towel?” is a remark that will often elicit a smile rather than more complaining.

That isn’t to say that dealing with a chronically impatient person is easy. There have been many times where the emotional labor that I find myself doing in order to help him to regulate his moods is exhausting. In these instances, I make a point to remind him (and myself) of four important points:

1. Most frustrations are temporary.
2. Not everything deserves a reaction.
3. Peace of mind is a choice.
4. Life is too short to spend emotional energy on trivial annoyances.

While I understand this from an intellectual perspective, it isn’t always easy to live with the energy of someone who seems to be in a chronic state of tension. I stubbornly refuse to match this energy and fight valiantly against absorbing his irritation. At times, the effort required to maintain my own sense of peace appears to be monumental, and, quite frankly, sometimes utterly exhausting. However, living with someone who sweats the small stuff has taught me an important lesson: patience is not passive, it is an active choice to keep the emotional temperature of a shared life from rising too high.