The boys always threw harder when a girl was on the other side of the gym. Everyone knew it. The girls knew it. The boys knew it. Even the teachers knew it. Yet no one said a word.
As a woman born in the early years of Generation X, I grew up expecting sexism. What I never expected was to spend my sixties wondering whether some forms of misogyny had become stronger rather than weaker.
When I was very young, my parents and grandparents loved watching The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday nights. One performer who appeared regularly on the program was comedian Henny Youngman. Known as the King of the One Liners, Youngman often made women the butt of the joke. “Take my wife…please” or “My wife’s purse and all her credit cards where stolen, but I’m not going to report it. The thief spends less than she does.”
From the stereotypes that wives were nags and bad drivers or that a man’s mother-in-law was the bane of his existence, to teachers telling little girls that the boys who hit them, teased them on the playground, or pulled their hair would simply expressing their affection (albeit in the most inept way possible), during my early childhood I witnessed women being conditioned to tolerate mistreatment as a fact of life.
Fortunately, however, as the 1970s of my childhood yielded to the 1980s of my young adulthood women began to make significant advancements and making women the punchline of every joke began to fade from fashion. In my mind, this was a very good thing, as both boys and girls could be victims of misogyny. One example was a boy named Chris R. He lived down the street from me, and we were in the same 4th grade class. Chris was a bit on the chubby side, and even though it was 1974, for some reason Chris’ mother dressed him as if it were the 1950s. He even sported a blond crew cut when all of the other boys were beginning to grow their hair long, like Keith (also known as the teen idol, singer David Cassidy) on the popular TV program, The Partridge Family. Chris and I walked home from school together every afternoon. He was kind to me and we were good friends. I can’t say for sure that Chris’ friendship with me made him a target (I’m sure that the crew cut and the 1950s clothes may also have been a factor), but for whatever reason, the other boys in our class decided to mock Chris, labeling him as “gay.” As far as I know, Chris never complained to our teacher about this – she probably would have advised him that the other boys were just jealous that he was walking home with a nice little girl every day and that was their way of getting back at him, minimizing whatever pain he might have felt as teachers were wont to do in those days whenever smaller, weaker, or vulnerable children were being attacked. I lost track of Chris after fourth grade. An internet search revealed to me that his mother died alone in her home just a few years ago – her body discovered by police during a welfare check initiated by concerned neighbors, but I think about him often. Is he still alive? Was he actually gay? Why was he willing to accept the ridicule from the other boys simply to be friends with me? The worst-case scenario in my mind is that having his masculinity challenged for simply showing kindness to a friend who just happened to be a girl, led Chris down some self-destructive path which resulted in him being unavailable to his own mother when she passed away. I hope that isn’t the case, but I will probably never know.
I entered college in 1981 and then graduated and started a corporate job in 1985 and by that time there were definite signs of progress. There were a considerable number of female professors at my university and when I started my job after graduation, my first supervisor was a woman. Throughout my career which spanned from 1985 until 2012, women slowly but steadily climbed the management ranks, eventually reaching executive suite positions in growing numbers. The progress wasn’t perfect, but it felt real. There were undoubtedly some “old school” male managers who weren’t completely at ease with female bosses, but they generally kept their negativity to themselves. Additionally, even though the “Me Too” movement wouldn’t occur for another two decades the company where I worked took sexual harassment quite seriously. All employees had to complete sexual harassment prevention training annually and I recall one male supervisor who, after several warnings to “cease and desist” his sexual harassment of his female subordinates was first demoted to a non-management position and later terminated when his injurious behavior continued.
I also witnessed my Millennial Generation son develop respectful and egalitarian relationships with his own female classmates leading me to the premature conclusion that gender equality had become a mainstay of American life.
Sadly, my hopeful attitude was short-lived. Now, midway through the third decade of the 21st century, it appears that misogyny has reappeared with a vengeance among Gen Z men. I find myself increasingly appalled by the manosphere and the open hostility which young men are now voicing not only toward feminism broad concept but also toward the women that they meet on dating apps and on the planet at large. The only bright spot is in how young women are responding. The 4B Movement strikes me as the appropriate response to all of the hate that young men seem to be directing toward the women they encounter.
After so many years of progress, why is this happening now? One theory has to do with the state of our society and how much more stressful life is than in the past. High housing costs, student loan debt and the economic uncertainty resulting from jobs being replaced by artificial intelligence (AI), rising fuel prices due to an ill-advised war with Iran, and tariff-driven inflation could be leading to the kind of social stress which causes people to seek scapegoats for their perceived problems. As existing immigrants are deported in increasing numbers and the threat posed by Immigration and Customs Enforcement or ICE has a severe chilling effect on new immigrants entering the United States, the anger and resentment which young white males used to rain down upon black and brown immigrants is now being rerouted toward women.
Social media and its algorithms which reward outrage, conflict, and grievance may also be to blame. Creators who voice extreme views garner more attention than those who with more nuanced ideas, thereby encouraging ever-increasing levels of rage among disgruntled you men.
It is also said that young people, especially young men, no longer enjoy access to positive and supportive communities. Participation in civic organizations and church attendance is down. Grueling work hours make neighborhood connections difficult and long hours spent with videogames or other forms of online entertainment have all but replaced face-to-face friendships.
Additionally, there seems to be some confusion among young men about masculinity. Boys are receiving mixed messages. Some online influencers try to offer overly simplistic formulas for handling the complex and messy environment of relationships. You men claim to want to protect and provide, but many don’t seem to understand what that actually looks like. Instead, they seem to demean, denigrate, and attempt to dominate women and they act genuinely surprised when women don’t want to agree to that kind of treatment.
Young women, on the other hand seem to be responding in much more appropriate ways. Many are able to recognize misogyny without internalizing it. They are developing financial independence and building strong female friendships. By projecting confidence and living with high levels of self-respect, young women seem to be building enjoyable and productive lives for themselves, while setting healthy boundaries and refusing to compromise their relationship standards.
While the current situation is concerning, I’m not ready to declare it to be hopeless. First, not all of the advancements of the past have been lost – at least not yet. Women are learning how to protect themselves and to avoid becoming trapped in domestic violence situations. Laws are still in place to help in protecting women from workplace harassment and discrimination and young women are poised and ready to fight back against efforts to take away their right to vote and their bodily autonomy.
Perhaps the biggest source of hope is embodied in Generation Alpha, those born between 2010 and 2025. The oldest members of Generation Alpha have already weathered the storm of the COVID-19 pandemic and are learning to navigate a technological landscape dominated by AI. Each generation seems to strive to set itself apart from the one which preceded it, so my hope is that the members of Gen Alpha will reject the gender wars, walk away from online conflict and begin to create healthier models of masculinity and femininity. Perhaps they can learn that equality does not require hostility and conflict.
When I was ten years old, nobody questioned the boys who threw dodgeballs at girls with extra force. Today we recognize that behavior for the misogyny that it is, and I fervently believe that teachers and parents would no longer attempt to excuse it away by simply saying that “boys will be boys.” Progress rarely moves in straight line, however, and perhaps the disconnect between the men and women of Gen Z is the result of an unplanned detour. Let’s hope that as Gen Alpha reaches adulthood, that they will be able to course correct and rediscover and expand upon the progress made in generations past.
quietlyradical 